lies and misspelled words

How did I end up on the verge of 23 with a fiancé, a job, a job I that I hate, thousands in the bank, nothing to spend it on, all the time in the world, and no friends to spend it with?

I realized today that I have no friends.  I literally have no friends.  I thought to myself that if I called them they would call back, if I texted them, they would text back with excitement.  I thought to myself, maybe they would call or text themselves.  And then I thought, “you know, you are always acting older than you are, maybe you should rejoin facebook and start acting younger, maybe that would make it easier for people to relate to you.”  So I rejoined facebook.  And it only reaffirmed my previous point: I have no friends.  Ok sure, I am “friends” with 80 people and sure, I have some good friends, some best friends, some friends that are probably reading this while becoming increasingly pissed off, but all of those same friends, they have other friends.  Every single friend of mine is in pictures with other people, they are in a circle of other friends.  A circle I am not apart of.  But you know, I don’t have a circle that they aren’t apart of.  It’s just me.  Me all alone.  I have no friends.
The people I am friends with, we don’t just hang out anymore.  I mean come on admit it; we have to plan to meet up.  We both have to take immense effort to rearrange our schedules to inconvenience ourselves to get together for 2 hours for coffee.  And once we get past the annoyance, and really start getting into problems and issues and life, you have to go.  And there I sit feeling used.  Like you didn’t really even care about my problems.  Like for some reason, you just need to keep me as a friend.  Like for some reason you like to listen to my suck ass life, but you can only take so much before you have to return to your great one.  Like you can’t stand to listen to how bad my life is because it’s supposed to be good and because it annoys you that I just can’t be happy.  Why can’t I be happy?  WHY?
And even before meeting up, let’s think about how much we talk.  We used to call each other.  To just talk to each other for hours.  I know we both don’t like to be on the phone, but why did it become so painful?  Why did it stop?  Is it because of texting?  Can we blame it on technology?  I mean it is easier for both of us, I will give you that.  I do it too.  Maybe this is what friends are like now-a-days.  I don’t know about you, but I am feeling pretty disconnected.
Is it because I live in Chicago?  Is it because I work a 9-5 job?  Is it because I have a fiancé?  Is it because I don’t like to drink and go out to bars?  Is it me?  Am I boring?  Did I change?  Am I too depressing to be around anymore?
It probably is me.  It feels like so much work to meet up with my friends.  It doesn’t come naturally anymore.  Not that the alternative of not hanging out with them is any better.  I sit in my apartment that is so tiny I want to die every time I step foot into it and cross stitch.  I am 22 and I cross stitch after work.  If I am not cross stitching, I am working out (for nothing because I already have a man who loves me and I am not overweight and I have no friends and no one to impress, so it doesn’t matter who were to see me if I was fat).  If I am not working out I am sitting on the couch watching TV by myself.  What kind of life is this?
But you know, what do I have to do to hang out with you?  What do I have to do to be part of your group, a group, any group?  Do I have to go out and drink with you?  Do I have to get all dressed up to go to a bar to sit there and watch people get drunk?  Do I have to get drunk?  Will this make us better friends?  What?
Do I have to drive out to your house?  Do I have to be the one to try the hardest?  Do I have to tell better jokes?  Do I have to eat different food?  Do I need to like different music?  Do I need to change?
So I am at a loss.  I’m sure any friends I might have still had don’t want to be my friend much after reading this, so in an attempt to part ways peacefully, please just tell me what I am supposed to do.  What you would have wanted from me if we could try again.  What happened and why.  And if even that is too much, then I just want you to know that I love you and I would do anything to have you as a friend again.

Take a look at my new page angeljacey 365.

I will take one picture everyday, but you will only see a collection of my best works, because honestly, who wants to scroll through 300 something pictures? As to whether or not I am actually taking a picture everyday, well, you will just have to trust me

Maybe I will write more later…

-Jace

This is what it feels like to be far away. This is what it feels like to miss you. This is what it feels like to slowly forget pieces of you. This is how I cope when I am not near you.

Why is it that we cannot store up moments and touches with people? We hug and walk away and in an instant the sensation of the hug fades. We try to remember what it was like to be close, but we can only remember the physical location. Our brains are incapable of holding on to a tactile memory.

I wish I could kiss you a thousand times so that when I leave I can still feel your kisses on my lips. I wish I could touch you enough that when you are far away I still feel your skin. I wish I could hold on to the memories of you, the feelings that being in your presence brings to me, when you are no where to be seen.

I wish I could remember you. Because when you are away, I never feel near you.