I don’t want to be here… how did I get here? April 6, 2009
Posted by angeljacey in Uncategorized.trackback
How did I end up on the verge of 23 with a fiancé, a job, a job I that I hate, thousands in the bank, nothing to spend it on, all the time in the world, and no friends to spend it with?
I realized today that I have no friends. I literally have no friends. I thought to myself that if I called them they would call back, if I texted them, they would text back with excitement. I thought to myself, maybe they would call or text themselves. And then I thought, “you know, you are always acting older than you are, maybe you should rejoin facebook and start acting younger, maybe that would make it easier for people to relate to you.” So I rejoined facebook. And it only reaffirmed my previous point: I have no friends. Ok sure, I am “friends” with 80 people and sure, I have some good friends, some best friends, some friends that are probably reading this while becoming increasingly pissed off, but all of those same friends, they have other friends. Every single friend of mine is in pictures with other people, they are in a circle of other friends. A circle I am not apart of. But you know, I don’t have a circle that they aren’t apart of. It’s just me. Me all alone. I have no friends.
The people I am friends with, we don’t just hang out anymore. I mean come on admit it; we have to plan to meet up. We both have to take immense effort to rearrange our schedules to inconvenience ourselves to get together for 2 hours for coffee. And once we get past the annoyance, and really start getting into problems and issues and life, you have to go. And there I sit feeling used. Like you didn’t really even care about my problems. Like for some reason, you just need to keep me as a friend. Like for some reason you like to listen to my suck ass life, but you can only take so much before you have to return to your great one. Like you can’t stand to listen to how bad my life is because it’s supposed to be good and because it annoys you that I just can’t be happy. Why can’t I be happy? WHY?
And even before meeting up, let’s think about how much we talk. We used to call each other. To just talk to each other for hours. I know we both don’t like to be on the phone, but why did it become so painful? Why did it stop? Is it because of texting? Can we blame it on technology? I mean it is easier for both of us, I will give you that. I do it too. Maybe this is what friends are like now-a-days. I don’t know about you, but I am feeling pretty disconnected.
Is it because I live in Chicago? Is it because I work a 9-5 job? Is it because I have a fiancé? Is it because I don’t like to drink and go out to bars? Is it me? Am I boring? Did I change? Am I too depressing to be around anymore?
It probably is me. It feels like so much work to meet up with my friends. It doesn’t come naturally anymore. Not that the alternative of not hanging out with them is any better. I sit in my apartment that is so tiny I want to die every time I step foot into it and cross stitch. I am 22 and I cross stitch after work. If I am not cross stitching, I am working out (for nothing because I already have a man who loves me and I am not overweight and I have no friends and no one to impress, so it doesn’t matter who were to see me if I was fat). If I am not working out I am sitting on the couch watching TV by myself. What kind of life is this?
But you know, what do I have to do to hang out with you? What do I have to do to be part of your group, a group, any group? Do I have to go out and drink with you? Do I have to get all dressed up to go to a bar to sit there and watch people get drunk? Do I have to get drunk? Will this make us better friends? What?
Do I have to drive out to your house? Do I have to be the one to try the hardest? Do I have to tell better jokes? Do I have to eat different food? Do I need to like different music? Do I need to change?
So I am at a loss. I’m sure any friends I might have still had don’t want to be my friend much after reading this, so in an attempt to part ways peacefully, please just tell me what I am supposed to do. What you would have wanted from me if we could try again. What happened and why. And if even that is too much, then I just want you to know that I love you and I would do anything to have you as a friend again.
so good thing you told me this wasn’t about me before i read it.
i love you. and i know that somewhere in this place we will find each other easier. chicago is weird. it seemed that it was easier to meet you in madison. that’s another good title for a book. meet me in madison. you should write it about your college days. i love you. and once you figure out what you need you will find it, and you will be happy again. and me too. and it was nice to hear your voice.
You don’t have to do anything. You are you and that is what makes you special. And you are a great person to be around. You are funny, smart and you are determined. Don’t let anyone tell you or make you feel otherwise.
Jacey you are one of the coolest girls I know. We are friends. I feel the same way sometimes, I have friends that live 5 minutes from me and we still have a hard time finding time to hang out with eachother. Growing old sucks sometimes, we get all busy and focus on setting up our lives and getting things in order to be comfortable later, and don’t stop to look around enough and think what would be comfortable now…at least I do.
hello. you dont know me and i dont know you. I just came across your page randomly while looking for a song by its lyrics. anyways, i ended up reading this post, although it is nearly a year ago, and i can relate with you even if i necessarily dont do the same things as you? I am the type of person who has a lot of friends actually in my vicinity, but i actually suck at this keep in touch thing that you refer to. It seems like I should have 4x as many friends that i have right now but it was due to my lack of reaching out that keeps you stuck in your network. I always thought why dont they reach out then or why do i have to initiate it, im not sure why, but you do. Friendship begins with yourself and I am trying hard to extend myself to my friends that i have lost touch with even if i have my own group that i can call my best friends. but as we grow older, especially int he work field, i can see how it is harder to meet friends and keep in touch. i find that most of my coworkers become friends amongst themselves becuase they dont have time for their friendslike they used to. so friends become that much more important to extend yourself to. If i make anything clear in this rambling post, i want to tell you to try your best to reach out to others and dont care what they are going to think if you do. no one hates getting attention. and if you do so, and really try you will see great differences. life is too short to experience by yourself. live it up.
you probably had your wedding already and i hope youre happy.
i send this out from the westcoast of cali, be easy~
I know this was a few years ago… but let me just say… that word for word… that is my life
Peace – Have Faith -It will all come right. … Promise!