lies and misspelled words

I am discontented with the theme of my wordpress. If only I knew how to design websites, format html code, and edit in photoshop then maybe I would have a cool wordpress… and a job. I have been searching for a job for 3 months. And in those 3 months I have lived in 3 different states. I flew halfway across the country to find what I wanted, but I didn’t find it there. Maybe I am just discontented with life in general.

The thing about it is, when you look back on 3 months in your life when you are not in school and you don’t have a job, you would hope that your time was well spent. To everyone else it seems like you have been on vacation and you have all this free time to do anything. You have no responsibility and nothing holding you back. But the truth is that these last 3 months were not like that at all.

Everyday consisted of searching and reformatting and searching and learning and changing and searching. There has not been a day that I am not disgusted by the look at my computer after staring at it for 10 hours straight. And I haven’t done any of the things you think would be a good use of time. Sure I read a few books, spent some time with friends, met some new friends, discovered a new city, but all of this doesn’t fill the hours among hours that were so graciously “given” to me.

And when I look back now (knowing that looking back does nothing in pursuit of the future) I think to myself, “Wow! In those 3 months instead of insanely looking for a job perhaps you could have done something to aid me in being able to obtain a job.” I could have volunteered, I could have coordinated events for people, I could have learned more about excel spreadsheets and html code, I could have studied the Associated Press Stylebook for writing, I could have been halfway to mastering a foreign language.

Pero, I do not speak any other languages than English, I have not acquired any new talents, and I have no idea how to make my wordpress do what I want it to do. Instead the time has forced me into unpleasant introspection with myself. Endless hours staring at my soul in the mirror. I understand that I am strong, but this process is wearing me thin (and yet not literally thin - fortunately I still have an appetite when times are rough!) There has to be some answer as to why this process has been so hard on me. There has to be some eureka! moment where I understand and all the knowledge from my past sufferings comes to me at once. There has to be a reason, because frantly - everything happens for a reason. So for that reason, I am waiting….still waiting… still…

Still… perhaps that my answer. Maybe I have been given the grace of time in the most ungracious of ways to teach me to be still. To teach me to not worry what the world thinks. To teach me to stay focused on my goal. To purposely take opportunities away so that I do not settle. To allow me to realize that time is never wasted if you are striving toward a dream. To help me see that all the nights I spent searching and crying and waiting will be worth it. To enlighten me to the fact that the prize will only be appreciated if I climbed mountains to reach it.

So in the meantime when things are STILL unknown, that is how I will be. Unconcerned about the “loss” of opportunity of 3 months, but instead looking at time in a new light.

It has been a long time that I have walked through this path of darkness by myself not knowing where to turn or what to do, constantly wondering where the light was. But more and more each day I am learning that it was here, it has always been here, in the stillness of myself.
-JLC
(I’ll meet you in Chicago)

“But in the end it’s only a passing thing, the shadow, even darkness must pass. A new day will come and when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.” - Sam’s Speech, J.R.R Tolkien